Thursday, September 27, 2012
Wanted - A Few Evil Men... Who Aren't Complete Prima Donnas
Disclaimer: If you're easily hurt by someone laying down the truth, then please stop being a little bitch and grow up. Also get a haircut maybe, because you look ridiculous with those floppy bangs.
It has come to my attention that there are a lot more villains these days than there used to be. A brief Facebook search turns up over ten pages of you.
Now, far be it from me to poop on anyone's cornflakes (I leave that to more competent poop-themed villains,) but this is a little silly.
Two years ago, there were about a hundred of us, give or take a few ghost accounts. That was fine, edging towards too much. Villains should never number in the majority. If you want attention and you want to be a drama queen, that's fine, but it doesn't make you a villain. If you want a large audience on MyFace or SpaceBook or YouHub or TubeVid or whatever, no one is gonna deny you that. You have an Internet connection and an imagination and you deserve your audience if you want it so badly. There's an audience for everything.
That doesn't make you a villain either.
When I left, there was a lot of petty fighting and poking of each other, and that was to be expected. Villains are mostly Type-A personalities after all; put a bunch of 'em in a room together and you'll have to clear them out with a mop and a squeegie in an hour.
What's changed? Not a whole hell of a lot, except now the bickering's bigger, the egos have blown up to the point they have their own orbit, and a lot of old-school baddies who should know better by now haven't learned a damn thing.
Villains create villainy. Villainy is not petty slapfighting. If you don't exist to take on an Arch-Enemy, you don't need to exist as a villain. Go open a new Facebook account and leave this lifestyle behind you and write it off as a life lesson.
Final verdict? Don't be the guy (or gal) that a year, two years, a decade from now has to turn around and say this to himself in a mirror.
It has come to my attention that there are a lot more villains these days than there used to be. A brief Facebook search turns up over ten pages of you.
Now, far be it from me to poop on anyone's cornflakes (I leave that to more competent poop-themed villains,) but this is a little silly.
Two years ago, there were about a hundred of us, give or take a few ghost accounts. That was fine, edging towards too much. Villains should never number in the majority. If you want attention and you want to be a drama queen, that's fine, but it doesn't make you a villain. If you want a large audience on MyFace or SpaceBook or YouHub or TubeVid or whatever, no one is gonna deny you that. You have an Internet connection and an imagination and you deserve your audience if you want it so badly. There's an audience for everything.
That doesn't make you a villain either.
When I left, there was a lot of petty fighting and poking of each other, and that was to be expected. Villains are mostly Type-A personalities after all; put a bunch of 'em in a room together and you'll have to clear them out with a mop and a squeegie in an hour.
What's changed? Not a whole hell of a lot, except now the bickering's bigger, the egos have blown up to the point they have their own orbit, and a lot of old-school baddies who should know better by now haven't learned a damn thing.
(Pictured: Some other villain who didn't learn from the past either.)
So what's the problem here? Why is it that, from 2009, when ROACH first reared its pimply, radiation-besotted head to now, no one's learned anything, or at least applied anything they learned?
I see the same silly idiocy about "doxxing" and "death threats" that I did back then. To paraphrase an associate of mine, "I'm not attacking you, merely the fucked-up and retarded policies you're pursuing right now that are making everyone involved a hypocrite which is hilarious because not one of you can even see it and yes this is all-inclusive so if you think this pertains to you or even if you don't it totally does so consider this a wake-up slap and I don't care that this sentence is poorly constructed bite me." (Paraphrasing; the most useful tool of all time EVER.)
Villains create villainy. Villainy is not petty slapfighting. If you don't exist to take on an Arch-Enemy, you don't need to exist as a villain. Go open a new Facebook account and leave this lifestyle behind you and write it off as a life lesson.
Final verdict? Don't be the guy (or gal) that a year, two years, a decade from now has to turn around and say this to himself in a mirror.
Keep it classy, folks.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Meanwhile, in the Nematower's sub-sub-sub-basement...
*TRANSMISSION BEGINS*
Two years... two years, people.
Seven hundred and forty nine days, to be precise.
The last time I was out of the loop this long, the minions ended up chewing through their own legs to escape the restraints.
Good thing I clamped explosive collars on all of them in advance, though. Loyalty... where's the loyalty. Good peons are hard to clone these days, I tell you.
My plans upon return:
1. Ship the damn Westbotronbot back to the White Skull, or Jason Gormally, or whatever shell he's inhabiting these days.
2. Catch up on all these new villains... there's over 9,000 of you and I'm not looking forward to wading through you to figure out who's legit and who's not. Do yourselves a favor and send your resumés to the Nematower, Sub-basement 3, legal department. Don't make me have to come after them myself.
3. Holy crap the black guy made it alive through his first term in office. Way to go, America! You didn't tear yourselves apart while I was gone! (Less of a to-do, more of an observation.)
4. Beach BBQ with the few remaining peons that survived. I understand that cannibalism is a hell of a thing to come back from, fellas, but I'm here for you. NOW STOP POUNDING ON THE GODDAMN DOOR, YOU'RE NOT GETTING IN HERE!
6. Find out what the hell happened to 5.
7. Build a sub-sub-sub-sub-basement. It's getting cramped in here and I wanna put a pool in. It's surprisingly warm this far down in the mantle.
8. Get---oh, shit, they got in the door. Where'd I put that axe-handle?
GET BACK, YOU HEATHEN SAVAGES! NO NEMA-MEAT FOR YOU TO--
*TRANSMISSION ENDS*
Headline: Neither Rain nor Sleet nor Radioactive Fallout...
The Crimson Nematode lifted his goggles from his compound eyes and rubbed the bridge of his compound nose.
"Enough is enough" he thought in his head.
"Enough is enough," he said out loud with his compound mouth.
"Sir? Did you say something?" Asked Smitty, the Crimson Nematode's foot masseuse.
The Crimson Nematode turned and pulled a laser pistol from beneath his armor and shot Smitty dead between the eyes, Smitty's dead eyes and dead brain splattering on the wall behind his dead head.
"When the Crimson Nematode speaks, you peons will LISTEN!" The Crimson Nematode yelled at his peons, who were certainly listening now.
"Enough is enough" he thought in his head.
"Enough is enough," he said out loud with his compound mouth.
"Sir? Did you say something?" Asked Smitty, the Crimson Nematode's foot masseuse.
The Crimson Nematode turned and pulled a laser pistol from beneath his armor and shot Smitty dead between the eyes, Smitty's dead eyes and dead brain splattering on the wall behind his dead head.
"When the Crimson Nematode speaks, you peons will LISTEN!" The Crimson Nematode yelled at his peons, who were certainly listening now.
(Smitty's Company Photo.)
"I said enough is enough!" The Crimson Nematode said. "The time has come for us to get the hell out of Dimension Z and back to running an evil empire the way Satan intended!"
"But sir," A random scientist said, "We tried to return two years ago, and Captain Ozone murdered that whole classroom of children in retaliation!"
The Crimson Nematode wrenched a control panel off the wall and smashed it over the scientist's head, bludgeoning him until his company photo looked pretty much the same as Smitty's.
"Insolence! I will have none of this insubordinate talk! You!" Here he pointed his battle-gauntlet at another random scientist, "Fire up the dimensional gateway! I have business to tend to on Earth Prime!"
The random scientist gulped and started to say something but then stopped saying what he started to say.
"Well?! What were you about to say?" The Crimson Nematode yelled, looming and yelling over the scientist on the floor getting yelled at by The Crimson Nematode.
"S-s-sir, all I was going to say was... um... you just smashed the control panel for the Dimensional Gateway killing the other random scientist four paragraphs ago."
"Fuck." Thought The Crimson Nematode.
"Fuck." Said The Crimson Nematode.
Somehow, he blamed Captain Ozone for this.
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